Millennial Stew

Based on a True Story! (1999) for clarinet, violin, horn, bass, piano, drum set, and narrators. 3 minutes.

Millennial Stew is a wacky three-minute piece for chamber ensemble and multiple narrators that touches on several end-of-millenium themes.

A. Warnings

  • Keep your automobile gas tank above half full.
  • Our government sends vehicles into space, yet it cannot believe that the earth has been visited by extraterrestrial beings!
  • Have plenty of flashlights and extra batteries on hand.
  • A solar eclipse in Europe and a rare alignment of planets in a cross shape could indicate nuclear civil war in Russia, or an asteroid hitting the earth.
  • Stock disaster supplies to last several days to a week.
  • America is the birthright nation promised to the descendants of Ephraim: a great nation, a multitude of 50 nations.
  • One gallon of water per person per day.
  • God’s people have always used a crisis as an occasion for self-examination and repentance.
  • An adult needs about 400 pounds of dehydrated food to survive for a year.
  • The sin of idolatry, including Mount Rushmore, the St. Louis Arch, and your NFL Lombardi Trophy! Destroy all these graven images or the God of Israel, Jesus Christ, shall judge you Himself... laugh now, wicked, apostate America!
  • Don’t use open flames or charcoal grills indoors.
  • If you are afraid of losing your food supplies to marauders, stock up on dog food. It probably won’t be confiscated!
  • The sign of the Lord’s coming will be the sighting of an errant star, which passes between sun and moon.
  • Have extra blankets, coats, hats, and gloves to keep warm.
  • Get as much information from the Internet as you can, now. When the government starts getting involved in Y2K, it could view independent sources of information as a threat.
  • Apostate Christianity has much to answer for.
  • Keep cash in a safe place, and make bank withdrawals in small amounts well before the new year.
  • Take heed you vile Promisekeepers Men’s Movement, with your haughty, self-righteous wives!

B. Millennial Stew

First:
So I’ve been working with my friends on canning and making preserves, so we can stock up for Y2K.
Second:
Uh-huh...
First:
So last weekend, I made a bunch of beef stew, and canned it with the Mason jars in the hot water bath and the whole ball of wax.
Second:
You used a hot water bath?
First:
Yeah, I have a book on canning, it has all the instructions...
Second:
Umm, a hot water bath isn’t gonna work for anything with meat in it, you really need to use a pressure cooker to make sure you don’t get food poisoning.
First:
Huh? My friends have been making it this way for years and nothing’s ever happened. Let me look in that book... Oh my God, you’re right! I’m going to kill us all with this survival stuff!

C. Apocalypse

  • And the first angel sounded his trumpet, and there was hail and fire mingled with blood, and it was cast toward the earth.
  • The government will impose rationing, curfews, and travel restrictions to control increasing violence. Shotguns are probably the best home defense tool.
  • Food and cash will be the first to be threatened by the stampede.
  • And Satan will go out to mislead the nations, Gog and Magog, to gather them together for war.
  • Tincture of iodine can be used for protection from nuclear fallout if you can’t find iodate pills. It also makes a good water purification material if you think that biological warfare germs are in your water.
  • Four of the Planets correspond to the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse; Jupiter is the Antichrist, Mars is War, Saturn is Economic Depression, and Pluto is Death.
  • Public fear will demand that the government take control: only libertarians will call it martial law and conspiracy.
  • A comet or asteroid could hit the earth by 2007. After this, a new Messiah will come, as indicated by this new Star of Bethlehem.
  • The World Shadow Government can do this because they control the media, public education, police forces, armies, and the banking system.
  • Those who urge us to stay in the cities will in the end be urging us to simply die with everyone else.
  • The Sun will be turned to darkness and the moon to blood before the coming of the great and terrible day of the LORD.
  • Banks will not go under, most of them will be compliant.
  • And he laid hold of the dragon, the ancient serpent, who is Satan, and cast him into the abyss and shut and sealed over him.

D. To be removed from this list

And when the lamb opened the seventh seal there was a silence in the heavens about half an hour. [pause about 5 seconds]

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